Dear Clyde,
Yesterday, at the break of the New Year, as fireworks were cracking and I was meditating, I couldn't help but think of people I love. That meant you and my children.
I couldn't help but imagine what you were all doing meanwhile. How you were celebrating, who you were with... And I felt SO close to you all, and so happy!
After the meditation session and the Dhamma Talk were over, everybody else left and I stayed all by myself in the meditation hall. Then I could get in touch with how I have been approaching my practice after I met you.
I realized that you are my spiritual imaginary friend. Most of what I do is for you to admire. Just like a schoolgirl who enjoys showing her good grades to her parents...
Then it occured to me that I have never been really like that. I have always done things for my own sake, for me to be proud of doing a good job.
I realized then that... you just don't know anything about it! You're just not around, perhaps you don't even think about me at all!
So, your image in my mind, dear friend, is nothing else but an avatar which disguises a mirror. I use it to see myself with loving eyes. Thus being watched, I do better admirable things. The more I do them, the more I love myself. The more I love myself, the happier I am and have a good time. The more of this all, the better I really am and feel. And there you are with a wonderful virtuous cycle, turning round beautifully as the Dhamma Wheel!
Who knows how things will turn out in the concrete world? And what difference does it make, after all?
I do wish you well and hope to see you soon. I miss you because I feel we have so much we could exchange. But, then again, this can all be in my mind only...
Love,
Bonnie.
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